My Ego is Dope

If you believe the internet, the Latin root word ego means “I.” 

“I” sometimes think about how we ended up with an uppercase pronoun to describe the singular self. When I think about the history of our language and our use of it to identify with the self, the problems of the world and our disconnectedness from one another make a lot of sense.

How different would our relationship with the world be if we referred to ourselves with a lowercase “i”. Would our sense of self wane with it?

The “I” is so silly. Do you think nature uses that pronoun to refer to itself? It’s so aggressive. Authoritarian. Full of itself. 

I want to be an “i”. I don’t want my sense of self to disappear completely, it just gets in the way of my inner peace sometimes. If acknowledging our suffering is the road to enlightenment, then playing with fire has its rewards. If the ego is a flavorful poison, then wouldn't consuming it in small doses build immunity to it?

If nature teaches us life is a balance, then interconnectedness must have its counterpart. Maybe the ego is one of them. If so, then ego is not a part of ourselves to eradicate, it’s the dark part of ourselves we must embrace. It is tethered to us, so no matter how much we want to escape it, it is bound to our spirit. It is us and we are it. My spiritual journey has allowed me to start looking at my ego in more detail. I know now it’s vulnerable and it’s scared a lot of the time, but it’s also fabulous and radiant. It is a disease and a cure. In small doses, it’s the vaccine to live a good life. 

So I’m learning to play with my ego and its personalities.

If the “I” is a body, then my personality is the way I dress her. The clothes I choose can be my vivaciousness, energy colors layered on one another.  My neurosis can be sprinkled across my body like accessories and the length of my hair can determine the equanimity I have produced. My repressed anger and unfinished business can be the sensual lingerie that inconspicuously entices the world. 

Me, as me.

If the ego is a mask, then I choose a lioness. I choose wild eyes with scattered flecks of gold. I choose sharp fangs and an insatiable appetite. I choose to walk the middle way with fierce independence and a soft heart for those who walk the path with me. I’d rather walk slow and deliberate,  aware of my surroundings. Alert but at ease in my body. I want my primordial intuition to guide me, and I want to make time for play in my natural surroundings.

And when I'm tired and the clothes on my back feel heavy, I want to take them off and rest. When the mask feels suffocating, I give permission for my natural skin to breathe. I want to strip away the layers and reveal my spirit, the essence of who I really am. I am light and airy, fluid and simple. I grow quiet when I need to go inside myself and restore the energy I lose by venturing into the world. And when I'm ready and I feel replenished, I leave my safe haven ready to experiment with the senses again.

For me, this is part of living a life. For now, I have no interest in hiding in a temple somewhere or renouncing to the world I was born into. To me, the path is learning to live with chaos and silence. To embrace my non-duality I must learn to know and love all of my separate pieces. Even the shameful parts we wish to lock away.

This is the lesson I am learning right now.

I am learning my ego is dope. My ego is here to stay. And I wouldn’t want it any other way.