Practicing Gratitude During Times of Uncertainty

I walk the deserted streets of NYC and for the first time since I moved here, I miss its energy.  What at times has felt too draining, now the city looks like a shell of what it used to me, and I wonder if this will become the new normal. 

My social media feed is a collage of fear-inducing headlines, thousands of media outlets using the same scraps of information and play-play government updates, all of which are uncertain and confusing. My mind goes to worse case scenarios, and suddenly, I begin to ask myself if I am prepared enough to survive a Mad Max apocalyptic scenario (The answer is no).

But perhaps nothing feeds my paranoia like the havoc we are witnessing at grocery stores. My screen is filled with images of empty shelves and depression-era style lines, people’s hysteria hoarding the items that will be the least useful if they catch the Coronavirus. They selfishly take ten times the resources they could possibly need without thinking of the elderly who can’t make the grocery store as quickly as they can. In a matter of a few days, I have seen at mass scale the afflictions the Buddha says are responsible for our unhappiness: greed, selfishness, and fear. 

I know burying my head in the sand and ignoring the impending disruptions to my daily life would also be as selfish. Choosing not to social distance or wash my hands is as inconsiderate as hoarding twenty boxes of toilet paper.

As I work with these emotions in the cushion, other things also begin to rise up. It is a yearning of sorts, a longing for the normal and the mundane. I further explore this longing and I recognize in part, it is my ego trying to cope with change. But embedded in that is also a feeling of appreciation for routine and normalcy.

Thich Nhat Hanh says humans only recognize when we are suffering, but rarely take note of the times when we are not. In other words, we never take time to appreciate our times of non-suffering. Normalcy is rarely acknowledged. And nowhere is that more true than in NYC, where it’s people have shoved, clawed, and pushed their way to claim even the slightest competitive edge. 

But as we self-quarantine in our tiny high rise boxes, I begin to yearn for the ordinary. I begin to think about all the things I took for granted even two weeks ago.  I think about the warmth and connection I feel every time I hug my family and friends, and how I don’t feel quite connected when I see them now. It’s as if my body hasn’t fully recognized the presence of another. 

Now that “social distancing” has become protocol, I crave the energy of large groups of people. Perhaps rush hour with never illicit copious amounts of joy, but I also know it is that energy that electrifies my creativity and inspires my own dreams.

More than ever, the fragility of our economy is front and center. Like a game of Jenga, I see how one piece, in this case, the Coronavirus, can bring the entire kingdom crashing down. It is more obvious than ever the interconnectedness in which our economy is built upon. It is so obvious we need each other. As companies shut down and make their employees work from home, it becomes crystal clear what is the lifeblood of our economy, it's people.

And through the entire spectrum of these emotions, I begin to ask myself, how do I make myself useful during these times of chaos and uncertainty? 

Before taking action, I have to acknowledge my discomfort. At first, I was in denial as to how disruptive this would be for me. But upon acknowledging my new reality, it has helped to lean into the fogginess and uncertainty and investigate it further.

As a properly trained capitalist, I have learned to tackle problems first with a thorough investigation of events, followed by an iron-clad roadmap complete with risk assessment and mitigations for each case scenario. And it is that training that has become my worst enemy in this situation, for events are changing on a second by second basis. Instead, I opt to discern my emotions with my meditator mindset and welcome all that chooses to visit me.

Times of uncertainty offers an opportunity to bring our spiritual practice to life. Isn’t this what all teachings prepare us for? When fear and uncertainty become prominent figures in our lives, can we use our meditation practice to sit with those emotions? When our automatic default mode wants to hoard supplies for ourselves, can we instead choose kindness and opt-in to share? When we read fear-based headlines and spiral into a negative mindset, can we lean into hope and positivity? 

In this way, the Coronavirus can be used as a teacher. And like many teachers before it, it is once again teaching me nothing is in my control. The thin veil of security I had has been quickly lifted to reveal a fragile and unstable reality, one that has easily disintegrated to form a new one. My reality of what was considered normal and safe is being quickly exchanged for a new and unfamiliar environment.

One of my favorite Mexican sayings says we create the path by taking one step at a time. When my default mechanism wants to hoard news information like others hoard supplies, I remember to *breathe* and take one step at a time. I realize although it is futile to try and control my environment, I have full autonomy as to how I choose to move forward. So I begin by putting much-needed boundaries on the number of times I look at the news, and allow my uncertainty and discomfort to slowly transform into compassion - for myself and the world.

I am grateful for everyone who can practice social distancing. Many of us, especially in the service industry, can't afford to. I am grateful for those who think of others when shopping at the grocery store, and for men and women who work in hospitals and other high exposure areas.

I find comfort in remembering, we are all in this together. In many ways, our interconnectedness has never been more obvious. And as such, I am reassured by the fact we all need each other. Now more than ever, walking the path open and flexible, supportive of one another, instead of being crippled with fear and uncertainty, is how I choose to move in this world. And I have faith that others will do too.